


A shitty curse with only one benefit

by Protecting_Stars



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Humanstuck, I realized that Dirk is basically like Sherlock Holmes in this fic, M/M, crackship, im trash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:45:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8825311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Protecting_Stars/pseuds/Protecting_Stars
Summary: Its Dirkat. Its shitty. Its my fave crackship. I have nQ idea where im gQing tQ gQ with this, LIKE ALWAYS. This was inspired by a writing prQmt that said "An individual is strictly vegetarian due to their being cursed with receiving visions of the final moments of anything they eat. A detective desperate to stop a rampant serial killer challenges them to break the ultimate taboo." I had tQ write a crackship thing sQ then this happened.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *finger guns* pls tell me if there are any typQs and if anybQdy here wants tQ Qbsess Qver Dirkat with me, HMU Qn tumblr (instantlymagicalmagikarppie) Qr sQmething im lQnely.

Everybody seems to have simple, logical reasons as to why they do or don't do things, or why they like or don’t like something. Maybe somebody got attacked by a dog when they were little and has been afraid of them ever since. Or maybe another person just absolutely loves dogs, because a dog saved them from danger when they were little. 

You don’t really have an opinion on dogs, because they are (mostly) irrelevant to the story. Let’s get to the point.

**== >Reader: Be the vegetarian.**

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you are a vegetarian. Why? Because ever since you can remember, you’ve been cursed with receiving visions of the final moments of anything you eat. You can’t remember how it happened, it just did. So you’ve been on a no-meat-of-any-kind for practically your whole life. 

**== >Karkat: go get some food.**

You are actually out getting some lunch right now. Your best friend, Kanaya and her girlfriend, Rose, own a nice little restaurant called “Rosemarys” in town that you frequently get almost every meal at. It’s cheap, but surprisingly good. They make it all themselves, which is fucking awesome because 1) both of their cooking skills are better than what you could ever do and 2) you are broke. You like to enjoy a nice romance novel as you eat. It calms you from your constant state of anger.

Kanaya is also one of the only people who knows your curse.

As you walk from your apartment to their restaurant, you notice some newspapers that people just left laying around  (assholes have no consideration for the environment). The headlines have been pretty scary this past couple weeks. Things like “ ** _Man discovered dead in back alley_** ” or “ ** _Woman brutally murdered found under bridge_** ”. Apparently, a serial killer has been going around, doing the obvious thing their name implies, and police have not been able to catch them. Not even the best detectives have figured anything out! No traces of who could have killed the people were left at the scene. 

Honestly, you don’t think about it too much, but you’re scared that you might be the victim eventually. You just hope that the so-called “Best Detectives” figure this shit out, because you do  _ not _ want you day ruined by some fucker who gets off on this shit or whatever.

**== >Karkat: Be so-called “Best Detective”**

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and despite the fact that you are without a doubt one of the best detectives in the United States (however you could never even  _ attempt _ to be better than one of your best friends, Jane Crocker, she is simply The Best Detective Ever), you can  _ not  _ even start to crack this case! Shit’s tighter than a pistachio than doesn’t have an opening. And those fuckers are tight! Even  _ Jane _ is stumped on this!

“I just don’t fucking get it! How could the killer have made this huge ass mess without leaving  _ anything? _ ” you say to yourself as you stand over an examination table holding the shredded body of whoever the fuck this used to be. It looks like they were put in a blender with not-very-sharp blade for a fraction of a second. Who even  _ does _ this? 

You sigh deeply and take off your shades to rub your eyes. You’ve been up for about 20 hours (or, as your brother would say, “19 hours, 47 minutes, and 23 seconds, 24, 25…” Something like that. His freakish ability to just know  _ exactly  _ what time it it freaks you out), and you’re tired as fuck.

“Technically, they  _ did _ leave evidence, we just can’t access it.” You hear an overly happy voice behind you. 

You turn your head to look at her and, as always, she has a huge smile on her face (She never seems to stop smiling. You suspect she has dementia).

“If you’re suggesting that their phone has anything, I already checked everything on there with Roxy, even deleted shit, and we found nothing.” You huff. Aradia walks around to the other side of the table and starts to poke around at the body with some scalpels and needles.

“I don’t mean their phone, I mean their  _ mind _ ! Obviously they know how they died, so it’s in their brain now! My offer still stands, you know. I could  _ totally  _ try to talk to their ghost using the things I have at home!” she happily states. You roll your eyes. She brought this up with the last body.

“We’re  _ not _ talking to the dead. You could accidentally summon a demon. Or not accidentally if  _ you’re _ involved! No summoning rituals will take place concerning this body, or any others!” You growl as you toss your hands in the air.

“Fuck this, I’m going to get something to eat. You know where I’m at if anybody needs me” You say as you grab your coat and walk out the back door.

_ If only somebody could just  _ know _ how somebody died. _

**== >Dirk: Be Karkat**

You successfully become Karkat, and you are so into reading your book that you don’t notice the next person who comes into the restaurant. Not that it matters, you never pay attention to who comes in. At that moment, Kanaya comes over and gives you your food. It’s the usual, grilled cheese with a bowl of fruit and a mug of coffee.

“So what enthralling novel are you so immersed in today, Karkat?” She inquires. You gently place your bookmark on the page you were reading and close the book.

“I’m rereading “The Notebook”. I haven’t been able to go buy any new books since I have no money to buy the books with. Who the hell charges ten bucks for a  _ paperback _ ? Nobody wants to pay that much!” You rant. 

You would have continued your speech about overly-priced paperback books, but you notice Kanaya looking towards the counter where Rose is currently having what seems like a deeply serious conversation with some guy with really spiky hair, a dark gray suit, and some really unnecessarily pointy sunglasses. Seriously what the fuck are those?

“Who’s Rose talking to?” You ask. Kanaya puffs a small breath of air.

“I do not know their exact relation to each other, but that is Dirk. He is basically a father figure to Rose, though with more sarcasm and long conversations to see who can say the most highly difficult to pronounce and describe words in one sentence. 

“He is a detective and is currently working on the case of who murdered all of those innocent people. So far he has had no luck, even though he is one of the best.” She explains. You nod. 

“And what the hell is the monstrosity he is wearing on his face?” Kanaya gives a short chuckle.

“Those are his “ironic” anime sunglasses. Though they would normally look absolutely  _ dreadful  _ on anybody else, he somehow manages to make them work.” Kanaya finishes. You nod once again and sip your coffee, looking at Dirk from the corner of your eye.  _ Hmm… _

Kanaya glances at you and gets that knowing spark in her eye that you’re pretty sure she learned from Rose. She leans forward on her elbows and rests her chin on her interlaced fingers.

“Kanaya, whatever you think I’m thinking, knock it the fuck off.” You quickly say as you subconsciously curl your hands into fists and put them over your mouth. Kanaya smiles.

“Alright, I will stop, but I could also introduce you two. Though if you want anything to happen between you two then you better ask Rose. She can be  _ very  _ picky about who could potentially be her father figure’s boyfriend.” She jokes. You blush and shake your head.

“No no no no no, stop that, we are done with anything that might have to do with my future or his future.” As you bury your head in your hands, Kanaya laughs quietly.

“Oh, dear Karkat, I do not think we are done quite yet.” She says, which makes you look up to see her smiling at somebody walking over to where you two are sitting. Startled, you turn to look and  _ oh no he is walking to your table why. _

“Sup, Maryam, Maryams friend.” He nods to both of you as he say that and sits down next to Kanaya.

“Noticed you two were talking and looking my way so you must have been talking about me, now I’m joining the conversation.”

“Good evening, Dirk. This is Karkat. Now I think everybody here would appreciate it if you did not do the thi-”

“So Karkat, I see you like romance books, it’s not much of a stretch to say that you also like romance movies as well. You’re, what, between 20 and 25? Openly pansexual, but single because you are scared to disappoint your lover because of self image issues. You live in an apartment complex about 3 blocks from here and you are a vegetarian, not because you don’t want to hurt animals, but because you are… afraid? Yeah, you’re downright terrified of eating meat of any kind.” He calmly states while you sit stunned, mouth hanging open, and he looks as if nothing happened.

“Dirk, you did the thing.” Kanaya mumbles.

“Sorry, it slipped.” Dirk deadpans. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there thinking of anything to yell at this random asshole who just looked at you and  _ knew all of that yet he says it “slipped”. _

“W- what the fuck? How the hell did you just- there’s  _ no way  _ he could have known all that, Kanaya! Did you tell him all of that? Or did Rose?” You’re currently freaking the fuck out because you do  _ not  _ trust this guy at all now. Kanaya sighs and puts her head in her hands.

“As I explained earlier, Dirk is a detective, and he is good enough to just  _ know _ things about people just by taking a glance at them. Rose and I both have told him politely to not do that, but he never pays us any attention.” She gives Dirk a disappointed stare.

“Old habits die hard, Kan.” Dirk shrugs.

“Am I to assume that Dirk has made an interesting first impression?” Rose comes over to the table and sets down a mug of coffee without cream ( _ who the fuck drinks their coffee without cream what the hell)  _ in front of Dirk.

“If by interesting you mean fucking creepy? Then yes, it was.” You scowl at Dirk. He just shrugs and sips his coffee.

“He made a fine impression from fifteen feet away, but up close is just…  _ fuck  _ no.” You make a point by picking up your book to continue reading, which is the universal action that means  _ don’t talk to me shitstain, I’m obviously trying to not socialize with people, so kindly go fuck yourself. _ But apparently that universal symbol doesn’t work on detectives.

“So you were checking me out?” He smirks at you and you almost drop your book, which makes you look like an idiot for fumbling around with it for a second. Blushing, you furiously shake your head.

“ _ No no no no no no no,  _ Kanaya already thought that, so both of you get rid of that thought immediately!” You’re almost yelling, which attracts the attention of a couple other customers. Kanaya, Rose, and Dirk all have hands over their mouths to hide their smiles. At least they have the decency to  _ try _ .

“You are all assholes. Anyways, thanks for this fucking train wreck if a conversation, but I should be going now. Kanaya, how much do I owe you?” You stand up and grab your book.

“Three twentyseven.” She states. Nodding, you reach for your pocket that  _ should _ have your wallet, but no, it’s not there. You check your other pockets, to no avail. 

“Mother _ fucker _ !” Today has just been wonderful, hasn’t it? You’re about to come up with some pitiful excuse as to why you left your wallet at home, when Dirk speaks up.

“Don’t worry guys,I got this.” He pulls out his own wallet and takes out five dollars. On a normal day, you would have refused and insisted that you pay double next time you got something to eat here, but today has been anything  _ but  _ normal.

“Fine.” You say. “I’m too tired to deal with this shit day.”

Dirk gives the money to Rose and stood up.

“It was nice talking to you all, but I have a case to work on, so I will talk to you guys another time. Laters.” And with his hand making a peace sign, he walked out of the restaurant while you are mentally facepalming.

“Well then…” You sigh and start walking out. “I’ll get going. See you guys tomorrow I guess.”


	2. Chapter 2

**== >Dirk: Think**

When are you  _ not  _ thinking? Your mind is always working, always calculating, never resting, so the answer is  _ never _ . You are  _ never  _ not thinking. Sure, your mind quiets down at times and only thinks small things, like tomorrow's lunch or what to add to one of your robots when you have time. People are able to tell how hard you are thinking by seeing how quickly you move or talk or how much you fidget. 

Right now, it's pretty obvious that your mind is working full force. You nearly knock Aradia over when you sprint into the morgue.

“Calm down, Dirk! Where’s the fire?” She asks.

“Nowhere, there is currently no metaphorical fire, but shit, if there isn’t going to be one soon. Anyways, I think I’m onto something, but I don’t know what yet. I need some time to think. Where’s Roxy?” It all came out in a single breath, and you were surprised Aradia understood. She pointed with her thumb behind her to the doors that led to the main hall. 

“I think she and John are programming another random game. Also, she said to tell you that the AI is acting up again.” You don’t hear the last bit very clearly because you’re sprinting to the lab.

When you burst through the doors, you nearly trip over all the wires you had out of the way earlier, but it seems that Roxy needed then for whatever reason. She and John turn to look at you.

“Oh, you’re back! What happened?” Roxy asks.

“To be honest, I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I met a person, and now I’m thinking maybe they can help?” Your statement sounds more like a question, but do you give a shit? No, giving a shit is for normal people.

John grins at you mischievously.

“Did you also try to get this persons number? Maybe they can take your mind off work for a night?” He jokes.

“John. No.”

A computer behind you beeps to life.

“M̙͖͈̺ ͍͖̯̞ͅͅ ̫̤̘͇̻͓̗a̺͓̠̮̱̪ ͔͓̙͓͎̭̳ỵb͓̞̞̯ ̥ḙe̗̮?͓̳ ͕̮̩͙͖̝T͓̘̘̙̪͈̞H͍̜͕e̩̝̞͇̖y̦̯͇̣͖̙ ͎̺͎̫̳ca̮̺̮̱͚ ͇̖̠͉̦͈ͅ ͙a͉͖͍n͚̭͎͖̥̭ ̳̺̘̦t̥̱̜̭͈̘ a͉̬̣͇̝k̙͙e͍͉͎̲̪ͅ ̰̥͎̫̗͎͚y̼̩o͇͍̯̖U̹̘̟ ̮͈̖͈͉U͎U̮͕r̟͓͖͓ ̬͕̭͙̖̲̰m͖I̯N̙͓͉̭͔̠͔ D̜̘ ͈̟̳OF͇̤̱͔F̻̯F͔̻͔̙̳̠̖F̦̗̠̣̮̞̻F͎̪͔̹̤̖F̳̙̳͖ ̮̘w͉̘ ͎̬̳̘̘ ͉͎̮̩w̟̫O̫̺͇R͓̲̺ ̦K͈͉͎̳͈̫K͎̦ ͙̘̦̥̘f͙̜̥̗̺̦͚o̖̗̤̫͍ ̥̹r͚̯̩͉̺̙r̹̣̼̯B̥̘̼̪͓̥ͅR̳͔̯̪͖͍B̰̳̟R̺͇͙̘̜B̟ͅR͔͓͍̩ḅ̫͔͔͉r͚̼̺̫̪̼̮ ̣͕̳̣͓̞̙a̻̖ ̱̞̩n̩͓̳̭ ̫̠̯̞͖̥I͈̹̳̤I̯̮I ̰͇̹̮̞Gh͎͙̖͉̘͙̩ ̞̦̺̩͕̜̹t̙?̖̟͔”

“Roxy, get Hal to not do that again for the night and I’ll finish the other AI.”

“I’ll get him to shut up if you get this persons number~~!”

“Goddamnit Roxy.”

“g̥͙̱̗̩̗̙o̜͉̲̭̜͔͔ d̞̖̹̙D̟̩̤̗͔D͖̣͖D͈͇̺̗̹̝͉a̠͈̩͇͈̝ͅ ̺̤̥̘̲m̯͎͕̰͕̟̼N̪ ͅ ̥̺͙̳̣̜I͍̹̠̮͚ͅt͖͔͕̪̜̮̫ r̗̥̙̹o̯x͙̺̬͖ ̬̠͉͈͇̘ ̻̣̲̼͖Y̘̞͔̝͔Y̫̤Y̯̜͍̼̜̞Y̺͔̬̤̦?̣̮͕̟͓̖͖?͙̜̗̰̫?̬͖̺̭̞̠”

**== >Dirk: Be Karkat**

You are now Karkat, and you seriously want to impale your head on a butter knife. Why? Because the moment you got home, your computer was beeping furiously at you with new messages from Rose and Kanaya. At the moment, you couldn't really care less, because you know they're just trying to bug you about how you feel about Dirk. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has opened private memo “Does Karkat like Dirk? Discuss”! --

\-- tentacleTherapist has invited grimAuxariliatrix  [GA] and carcinoGeneticist  [CG]  to the memo! --

\-- grimAuxariliatrix  [GA] has responded to the memo! --

GA: Visual Attraction: Yes

GA: Emotional Attraction: Soon

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has responded to the memo! --

CG: CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE STOP DISCUSSING THIS KIND OF SHIT?

CG: AT LEAST WARN ME BEFORE DOING THIS, IT GETS ON MY FUCKING NERVES.

TT: We can’t help it, it’s just how we function.

TT: Besides, I was talking to him a minute ago, and he thinks you might be able to help him with his work.

CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE THINK THAT?

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has responded to the memo! --

TT: Because I just know these things, and Rose said Kanaya said that you’d be able to.

CG: FIRST, KANAYA WHAT THE FUCK, YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SAID TOO MUCH.

GA: I Only Said That You Might Be Able To Help.

CG: GOOD, AND SECOND, DIRK HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE, ROSE DIDN’T INVITE YOU.

TT: I have a friend who is really good with computers.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has responded to the memo! --

TG: oooh thas me :3

CG: AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

TT: That’s Roxy, who has dubbed herself as my mother.

\-- H̘̺̯͢A̖̠-̵̩͓͍̻̠̰̳A̜͝*̦̩̗͓ͅ*͇̳̝͍͕a̶͕̦̲̹̜a̵̻͙̼̲̲̟%̺̬̳͜l̶̟̯̜͍͚L̩̻̲̺͈•͚̠̠~̵̻͈̘͓͍͓ͅL͚̳L̷͎̯̯̙̪̞͓ [???] has responded to the memo! --

TG: and heres anohter friend that i actually didnt hack in

TG: *another

TG: he got in by himself lmao

TT: Son of a fuck he named himself.

[???]: s̶o̲̠ ̷̗̭n̪N̻N ̖̫̻̻͠o̵͚̦̱̱f̸̗̭̬͎͖̰ ̫̣͡a͙̹͉̰ ҉̗ ̫͈F҉͖̲͖̥͔̺̗U̡͔̪ ̴̜̭C̰͔ ̺K̻͕ ̩͈̹͙͡ͅḩ̘̳͕͇̺̝e͎̮ ̤͚̗̬͉̲N̲͔̦̬͓a̤͉̜̼̲̟͇͡m̬̹͇̖̪̟͠E̙̦͔͚͎̜E̠̟̺EE̺̟̬̮̣D̠ ͏͍̳̺̖̻͎h̥̤͞I̼̥͓͇̦̘m̘̣̩̩̮̮̹s̖̖̦͓͓ ̢̤̬̝̤̲̰ͅe҉̤͍̝̺Ḻ̪̦̙̲̺̙͞Ḻ̭̩͠f̡͈͔̜̣͇

GA: Congratulations Dirk

GA: You Are The Father Of This Abomination Of An AI

TG: aww kanny dont call hal an abomination! he has feelins too!

CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, CAN ANY OF YOU SHITHEADS EXPLAIN???

TT: Hal, I guess that’s his name now, is an AI I’ve been programming. He was supposed to be an exact copy of my consciousness, but a friend was dicking around with Roxy and they did something to him. I was going to fix him since he does random shit on his own, but I havn’t been able to get around to it.

TT: Maybe he’s fixing himself, Dirk? He learned the purpose of a name, maybe he will be able to learn and become his own being?

TT: That’s what I’m scared of.

TG: ooooh rogue ai!!! the cyborg revolution is beginign!

TG: *beginin

TG: close enough

CG: OK? YOU ALL HAVE FUN WITH YOUR ROBOT, I HAVE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO.

GA: We Have Not Even Reached The Main Point This Memo Was Created For

TT: Yes, lets get back to that.

TT: Rose, please stop making fun of my lack of a relationship, now is not the time for that.

[???] n̷o̮͞W̸̦̯̜̯̭ ̖͓̝͎i͏̘ ͙͕̦͉̹̕s̹̳̺̟̠͎ͅ ͚̘͍͈͇̘n̢O̖͉̬͘T̨ ̫̝T̪̰͉͡H͚̰͎̩̭H͇͉̟͙H͞H̳̜̙̫͎H̜͢e͍͖̫̳̤ T̮̝̳̝̟̗͇i̷̖̣̪̪͈͈i͍̗i̞̠̪̳i͔͓͞i̹̲̱͡ii͈͕̕i̲̣͉̩̭̞͝i̠̪M̸̱E̹̦̮͚͍͇̠͟ ̫̩̠͈̯̖ͅF̩̬͍̥̯̭o͕̘͟R͚̟͝ ͖̤̺̤̙͙t̹̦̞̪ͅh͘h͓̪͝hh̵H̙̟͙͚H͚̘͈̞͇̯͡A̞̠̲̜͙̼̳A̘̘A͚̭̠̘͚̼ͅA̝̭̦̱̼͚̭A̛͈̱͖AA̝͙͈̭͈A̢̦̝A̠̱̲A̧̖̪̥̘͙A͕͍͚A̬̜A҉̝̹̼̞A͔̳̥̹̮͟A̞̳̙AA̷̲̘̭̟Ḁ͎͢

\-- H̘̺̯͢A̖̠-̵̩͓͍̻̠̰̳A̜͝*̦̩̗͓ͅ*͇̳̝͍͕a̶͕̦̲̹̜a̵̻͙̼̲̲̟%̺̬̳͜l̶̟̯̜͍͚L̩̻̲̺͈•͚̠̠~̵̻͈̘͓͍͓ͅL͚̳L [???] has left the memo! --̖  
TT: Screaming, ok, that’s new.

TG: i thought him repeting letters was normal

TG: *repeating

TT: No, I mean the computer he is stored on is litterally screaming.

TT: I have to fix that, you guys can keep talking.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has left the memo! --

CG: JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?

TT: Why does what happen?

CG: I

CG: NEVERMIND

TG: i see you typin on your screen there anger boy, tell them!!!

CG: WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SEE ME TYPING?

TG: mad hax yo ;3

CG: FUCK THIS, YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has left the memo! --

TG: he was goin to say he always ends up attractde to the crazy ones lol

TG: *attracted

TT: So we were correct in our assumptions, Kanaya?

GA: It Looks Like It

TT: Now we just have to wait til it actually happens without our meddling.

TT: You all may leave the memo now.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has left the memo! --

\-- grimAuxariliatrix  [GA]  has left the memo! --

\--tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has left the memo! --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this out after i had coded everything: zalgo text does not work in the homestuck skin. If anybkdy has and other suggestions so its not just a bunch of squares pls tell me

**Author's Note:**

> STAY TUNED FQR MQRE UPDATES MAYBE


End file.
